Dreams Deferred, Not Defeated

Posted on by Neil
First time playing hockey
We’ve come a long way from this.

Yesterday, for the first time, Ryan took the ice as a high-school hockey player as the team began on-ice practice for the upcoming season.

There were so many points on this autism journey when I thought that would never be possible. Dreams of watching my son play competitive team sports were lost in the early fog of fear and confusion. Even after some of the fear subsided and life stabilized into a “new normal,” I never dared to dream that team sports, let alone at the high school level, might still be a part of Ryan’s future. There were just too many obstacles. The challenges ran from the sensory (Ryan initially couldn’t tolerate skates or a helmet and facemask) to the behavioral (paying attention to instructions from the coach and following along with multi-step drills) to the developmental (simply learning to put on all the equipment in the proper order and tie his own skates was a task years in the making) to the social (keeping up and feeling comfortable in a locker room full of neurotypical adolescent boys).

Not all the challenges were Ryan’s. I had to learn to let go. To let go of preconceived fears about coaches and parents and a youth sports culture that wasn’t built for kids like Ryan. To let go of the need to constantly intervene and allow him to get his needs met on his own.

Along the way, we were supported in this journey by programs with the proper mind-set and coaches who welcomed Ryan with open arms, tolerating whatever quirks he showed while learning to use his strengths — an awareness and hockey IQ beyond his years, sharpened by thousands of hours of NHL game-viewing — as an asset on his various teams. Yesterday Ryan stood on a foundation that so many had a hand in building when he took the ice.

At some point that typical father-son dream, that of a dad watching his son compete in the same sports he did, comes full circle. It was a dream I held before I had kids. It was strengthened when I learned I would have a son, forgotten when life took an unexpected turn on the autism spectrum, resurrected when my son expressed a desire to play my favorite sport, and, at some point, normalized as he continued to put one obstacle after another into the rear-view mirror.

An autism diagnosis is an incredibly disruptive force. It throws everything into chaos. It makes mincemeat of the best-laid parental plans. But as scary and confusing as it can be to absorb the news of that diagnosis, it’s important to recognize that it does not mean that there is a predetermined outcome for your child. Those dreams you held that you probably forgot about at some point early on? That diagnosis does not make them invalid.

Ryan was excited about yesterday, sure, but I’m not sure he saw anything remarkable about it. He’s a hockey player. He worked hard to reach this point. He was ready to put his best effort forward and contribute to the team in whatever way he can.

Veronica and I feel differently. Yesterday was a landmark day. Ryan did  something that just a few years ago we never would have thought possible. A dream fulfilled, indeed.

18 thoughts on “Dreams Deferred, Not Defeated”

  1. Thank you for sharing… My son is on the spectrum and LOVES hockey. He currently plays for our town mites team. Thanks to some amazingly patient coaches and a wonderful hockey family of parents and kids… he is enjoying every minute. I’m scared and excited to see where this path takes us! thanks for sharing a similar perspective.

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    2. My Son is a senior in and on the HS team. Enjoy the ride as is goes way too fast. Cherish his quirks and love for the game. There will be ups and downs on your journey.

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  3. My son played travel hockey for years and now is playing house hockey He helps coach the special needs team Good luck. Head up stick down.

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  4. Congrats, I was just thinking of you today as my son attending his final tryout as a HS SR. Have a great season and enjoy the ride!!

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  5. I am going to share this with my husband – I know that he dreamed of his son engaging in sports and has been a little disappointed that our son has shown no interest. Maybe that will change as he gets older… Great post, thank you!

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      1. He would really like it to be sports, not so much because he is a heavy sports-minded guy, but because he recognizes how much the physical activity helps him feel better mentally, emotionally, and physically. He thinks it could help our son better manage a lot of things that frustrate him, but we have to wait until it is something our son wants. Meanwhile, they connect over the chessboard, lol! 🙂

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  7. This post was exactly what I needed to read. My 9-year-old son was diagnosed with autism last week. He started playing hockey 2 years ago, on the advice of his therapist who believed an extracurricular activity would help him improve his social skills and build self-esteem. It’s working, and it’s been a great bonding experience for him and me. It’s also a huge challenge; the social environment is stressful for him and he struggles with the additional responsibility and time commitment. At this point, we’re doing everything we can just to help him get through 4th grade. The idea of him adapting so well that he could play high school sports seems like a dream. You’ve given me hope to keep that dream alive. Neil, I’m so happy for Ryan and for you and your family. I hope he plays his heart out and has the time of his life. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes!

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    1. HAPPYAUERGAMES – my 17 year old son is a HS Sr and in the spectrum. He is a hockey player and on the HS team. Never in my wildest dreams would I think he would be were he is today. Hockey has been great for him. Keep that dream alive!!

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  8. Just sharing a spot done by our local news on my son and his hockey team. We’ve had an amazing season (made it to the championship game) and some truly supportive coaches, parents and teammates. I know ‘light it up blue’ and it’s larger organization can be controversial… but in this case it gave the parents and kids on our team a ways to show my son how much they care. They show this caring and support every day at every practice and every game – not just in April. Hoping it makes some of your followers feel that the stress will be worth it and that there are great people out there willing to make our kids feel a part of something.

    http://boston.cbslocal.com/2017/04/05/woburn-hockey-gavin-autism-awareness/

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Comments welcome!

Married father of two, rapidly approaching middle age. Hockey has been a constant in my life since the age of four. I care way too much about most sports -- something that will become evident in these pages -- but I'm learning that some things are more important. My son has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS, ADHD and Asperger's at various points.